Was feeling pretty broken yesterday. Not sure I feel much better today, but there's things to do and I have to be functional.
Read this post over at FSP and that made me feel a little better.
I guess the thing for me is not a lack of confidence per se but a feeling of always getting the rug yanked out from under me for not being good enough.
I was thinking about this yesterday and how I kind of have to blame my mom.
Yes, my mom. I often wonder if she has any clue how much she damaged me.
When I was little, my parents used to sign me up for some activity, and then let me do it for a while until they decided I wasn't that good at it.
And then they'd pull me out.
This happened with dance lessons, sports (of course, I sucked at sports), and with various musical instruments.
Basically, anything a little girl would enjoy doing.
But they wanted to find something I was the best at, I guess.
I ended up doing science in part because they thought I'd have a chance to be pretty good at it.
It occurred to me the other day that my parents never put any of my childhood artwork up on the walls or the refrigerator. Later, my mother would remark on how bad my art skills were when I had to draw anything for projects at school.
It's no wonder, years later, that I hate making figures!
Hard as I try, and all the 'rough spots' I've been through, I still sometimes find myself feeling like there's no point. That eventually someone will decide that my best isn't good enough, and it doesn't matter how much I enjoy research, what matters is that I have to compete. Constantly. Without end.
Compete, compete, compete.
And that, dear friends, is what sucks the life out of me.
But FSP is right. If persevering works, then persevering is what I'll do.
Labels: bad day