Read my lips. Who's in charge.

A comment on my last post regarding whether or not postdocs should be presenting their own work brings up a topic I've written about before, but which I think is important enough to keep repeating.

I went to a talk the other day where an older (though maybe only 60-ish!) guy presented the work of two of his postdocs (out of how many in his lab, I don't know).

In the talk, he did something I've only rarely seen PIs do: pointing out that one of the postdocs was present and available to answer questions "since he knows the work better than I do". I wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad that he said that. Maybe a little of both.

And since then (and the comment on my last post about who would you rather see present the work, the PI or the postdoc) I've been thinking about this quite a bit.

In one way, yes the more experienced PIs can often be better speakers because they don't get stage fright, and they've given these talks hundreds of times. They have a certain amount of authority. You get a polished product, maybe a little more historical perspective (I'll come back to that), and maybe another benefit: 1 PI can talk about 2 or more projects in a single talk. And it's perfectly acceptable, maybe even expected, for them to do so.

On the other hand, you can't ask them anything technical, usually they don't know the answer. I actually saw a guy do this at a talk once, with what I think was deliberate aim: he asked several technically challenging questions in quick succession, and the PI speaker was basically stunned into silence. I was hysterical with silent laughter.

And there is this other aspect that most PIs don't want to admit: a senior postdoc is basically the same as a junior PI. Admittedly, junior PIs don't get to give talks as often as senior PIs, but they give talks more often than postdocs.

The point of this comparison is that in at least some (!) cases the senior postdoc proposed the project, did the project, and has lots of ideas for where her project will go next, since it is presumably the subject of her future grants and lab studies. Senior PI guy might not know those things, and might not, in some cases, really appreciate the importance and implications of the work that has already been done.

In general I was thinking about this because I was noticing once again how it seems like the postdocs and grad students are actually driving the research behind the scenes, and the PIs are really just figureheads. They're not exactly puppets, but in a way they could be. In some labs they are.

The historical perspective aspect is an important one, and I can't emphasize enough how much it annoys me when a grad student or postdoc is asked a question about the history of their own field and can't answer it.

The other day I asked a question like this and the speaker (a postdoc) looked at me and said very dismissively, "That's very philosophical" and continued on without even attempting to answer. Sheesh! I actually know a little more about her field than she might realize. I know she could have answered my question succinctly, in just 1 sentence that conveyed the traditional thinking as well as her personal take on it.

Instead, I am left to conclude that she hasn't read the classic papers in her field (even though I have!). Which made me wonder if she's not one of these glorified technician types that some PI commenters are always complaining about (?).

I'll agree, I don't want to see that kind of postdoc presenting talks. I'd take a senior PI over that sort of person any day. But I think most PIs know that, and that's why they don't generally give their talk slots away to their postdocs.

Having said that, sometimes I'd rather hear one, complete story from an articulate postdoc than a bunch of snippets from a breezy world-traveling PI who can't answer questions effectively. I always feel sorry for the postdocs who did the work, because I know the talk rarely gives them the credit they deserve.

Will I give talks away to my postdocs? Sure, when they're good speakers and have a good story to tell. They might not come into the lab that way, but I'll make sure they gain those skills quickly and practice them sufficiently before they leave.

I like to travel, but I already know that most PIs are invited to more meetings than they can possibly attend in a year, and their labs suffer when they're constantly out of town. A handful of meetings a year is enough! I'd much rather send my postdocs to some of them. To me, that's a win-win.

Screw you guys, I'm staying home.

Got a much-needed pep talk from a friend today who insists I should start on the job application process, even as I'm agonizing over publications, publications, publications.

So I swore I'd try to get in the mode of moving forward, not worrying about past mistakes, not being afraid of the worst possible outcomes.

Bite the bullet, make the leap, that sort of positive thinking!

But then I checked my junkmail folder, and found that an abstract I submitted a couple months ago for a meeting got assigned to a Poster.

I am somewhat amused that my email program knew exactly what to do with an email like that!

I hate posters. And this work, IMHO, deserves to be presented in a talk.

And I always hate this meeting.

So I'm thinking I'd rather not go.

It's supposed to be good to go to these things, for networking, blah blah blah.

But this meeting is big enough that it's really hard to meet anyone new.

And most of the people I know who go religiously every year are people I don't really ache to see. You know how it goes, you go out and drink with them because that's what you're supposed to do, but you find yourself having to drink just to numb the pain of having to talk to them?

Yup, this is one of those meetings that makes me question if I'm in the wrong field. It's that bad. It's one of those meetings that makes me remember why sometimes I really hate scientists and science.

So I think I'll take a line from Cartman on Southpark and just skip the whole thing.

I'd much rather stay home and like science than go to this meeting and hate it.

It will be the second abstract I've withdrawn this year for lack of getting picked to give a talk, so I'm wondering if that looks bad.

Somehow I doubt anyone who relegated me to poster status would even care.

Clockwork red.

Every year, there is a Big Annual Meeting for everyone in my field. The first one I went to was really euphoric, because it was the first big meeting I had been to of any kind. I got tons of great feedback and attention, for the first time, for my work. Great fun! Almost glamorous!

Since then, it has been, on the whole, a lot less fun. For a variety of reasons.

I swear the science gets worse every year (or am I just getting smarter?).
I swear the politics get worse every year (or am I just getting a clue?).
I swear they keep adding more sessions and starting earlier and ending later, every year.
I know I'm getting older every year. I can feel it.
The weather is ALWAYS bad. Make that awful. AWFUL.
Since it's really expensive, I usually stay far from the meeting and commute.


All of that means I don't get to do a lot of socially-important drinking, which I don't really enjoy anyway, because I'm too tired and have to worry about driving or missing a train. I'm also exhausted from the already long days combined with having to get up earlier and travel, sometimes for up to an hour, in freezing weather, cursing the whole time, both ways.

But today I was looking at my calendar, thinking how I'm dreading this meeting but how I really have to go and network network network...!

...and then I realized yet another reason why I always hate this meeting. I don't know why I never made this connection before. Maybe it just hadn't been enough years yet for me to see the pattern.

Yup, you guessed it. I ALWAYS have my period the week of this meeting. Or at the very least, extremely severe pms. You know, the kind of pms that comes with pre-cramp cramps. The kind I never had until the last few years.

New study: Scientists used to believe that reading too much decreased women's fertility. Could it be that becoming a scientist makes your periods worse? News at 11.



Nevermind that the meeting isn't always exactly the same days. Though, I don't actually know which gods of science decide which days it will be. For all I know, they're using a moon chart to pick the schedule! Somehow, when this meeting rolls around, I am always in the same part of my cycle.

The sucky part.

I know I can take Midol + vicadin or whatever it is they sell these days.
I also know can drink special tea, wear a bulky-though-mood-saving thermo heating pad thing under my already uncomfortable business casual attire.
I know I can schedule my day to make bathroom trips at the right times, and wear dark skirts or pants so I won't care if I'm leaking blood onto dry-clean-only.
I know I can skip more sessions than I used to as a grad student, and drink in the afternoon if I want to, since I actually have been going long enough now to actually know some people who would be happy to join me for prolonged postdoc kvetching sessions.

I know all of this, but I can already imagine the cramps just thinking about it. The back pain, the headaches, the fatigue that never fades.

It's really hard to smile, give your spiel, and network network network when all you want is to go home, curl up in a ball and wonder what you did in a past life to deserve being born a primate female.

If it weren't career suicide to do so, I'd wear a Carl's Jr. shirt with a picture of a big cheeseburger, fries and a coke that said:

Leave me alone, I'm menstruating.

And I'd dance everywhere I went, singing maniacally....I'm singing in the rain...

How feminine should I be?

Maybe I'm a little too fashion-conscious, but when I go to meetings I'm always faced with the same problem. Dresses are fine for some occasions, but mostly I have trouble taking myself seriously in a skirt. It's especially weird since, where I live, women tend to wear very little clothing, and everything very tight-fitting. So it's a strange place to be a scientist. I can never seem to really strike a balance between dressing appropriately for work and wearing something that's not too frumpy.

I had a friend in grad school who always wore short skirts, and you can bet that everyone noticed and nobody took her seriously. I tended to go the opposite direction in that environment- baggy sweatshirts and jeans, mostly. But I'm tired of being a slob, and where I work now is less male-dominated, so I feel like I should be allowed a little more self-expression. But that's at home, where I have options.

When I go to a meeting, I have to decide ahead of time what to bring, and I'm never sure about the weather or how formal people will be. I feel more confident in pants, maybe because I lived in a pretty dangerous city for a few years, and I prefer to wear comfortable shoes. But at these meetings where it's all men, I feel like there's nothing I can wear that will help me blend in while still feeling confident. There are definitely some weird identity issues associated with this phenomenon of having a bunch of men in suits visibly notice that you're not one of them.

I have never been one of those people who wanted to flirt, or manipulate the situation by looking a certain way. I guess I have been lucky, for the most part I've worked with people who looked me in the eye when we were talking. But having a PI who perpetually addressed my chest has made me much more self-conscious.

I read a poem yesterday by this guy James Tate, it's about how his friend's breast falls out of her shirt at dinner and he has a polite little conversation with it, how nice it is to see the breast, etc. It's kind of funny, because it's surreal and somehow he manages to make it almost respectful, but it still made me squirm. I can't help thinking that all of these guys, despite being scientists, are still thinking that way about every woman they meet. I know this isn't true because I'm certain that my boyfriend, my thesis advisor, and most of my co-workers are not that way. At least, I don't think they are. Maybe I just want these older men to learn to be more discreet!