I'm not your fucking technician.

This pretty little phrase is something I'm dying to say to my PI, I just can't figure out how to do it without screaming (while throttling said PI and banging PI's head against something hard, repeatedly).

Yes, I can kind of see it from the PI's point of view. You can't do the experiment yourself, you are impatient about that, and you sometimes aren't the most polite about asking.

No, what really gets me is the ASSUMPTION that I haven't ALREADY TRIED IT. I know you like to pretend that I'm your student or your secretary, but here's a newsflash: I ACTUALLY HAVE A PHD.

In an attempt to calm down and thwart my natural violent instincts, I am writing this letter into the blogosphere, and hoping that the internet karma fairy is paying attention.

...............

Dear PI,

1. I showed you the data already.

2. You DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

3. I patiently tried to explain it to you, because I needed more reagents and/or expertise than we have in the lab, and you didn't understand why.

4. In the end, you pretended to understand but you actually didn't. You would not let me get what I needed, and insisted there were other things I needed to do first.

5. So, because I didn't have time to beg other labs for the things that I needed, I shelved it.

6. Now you come back months or years later, because someone in another lab asked about these experiments (BECAUSE IT IS THE OBVIOUS THING TO DO). Now, after all this time, you have the nerve to act like I have been lazy or stupid not to have pursued this particular line of experiments WHEN YOU TOLD ME NOT TO in addition to all the other ultimately useless things you made me do because you didn't believe me when I said there was no way they were going to work. And I was right about all of it, wasn't I?

So I ask you: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT???!!!!

In point of fact, dear PI, I was thinking that since you don't understand what these experiments are about, I should take this entire project with me when I leave.

We haven't had that chat lately, but I know your lack of creativity. If I tell you I want to work on this, you will say you want it.

So I will not mention it to you. Now I just have to figure out how to get you to forget about it, and squelch the urge to motherfucking kill you with my bare hands.

That is all.

Sincerely,

MsPhD