If only, part 2.

So here's the funny part.

Felt like crying all day but did not. As usual, after our last meeting, instead of letting me do everything, Advisor insisted on doing something... and did not do it. I was pissed about this happening again. Among other things.

Finally sucked it up and went to see Advisor, promising self I would not cry. And I didn't. Go, self. (minor victory)

I think I do better when I'm angry.

After all the talk about mentoring, Advisor's big advice?

I don't know what you should do. It's really up to you.

Something must have changed since last time we talked, because every. single. time. before when I said "I want to do X" the answer was always Very Anti.

Now? Advisor seems worn down.

It reminds me of how my parents were:

with me (very Anti)
with my little sister ("whatever you want, go ahead").

So actually, despite the total lack of, ha ha, mentoring, I think I'm calling it a minor victory.

And despite the unbelievably bad timing of, well, everything in my career, this might actually be an example where I can take advantage of the timing. Advisor could have stayed Very Anti for another year, and that would be worse than this.

Now I will try to fail my way, maybe?

Except with Advisor's name on the paper, that's supposed to help?

I've been at "I don't know" for a while now. I think now I'm back at "Ask around again". We'll see if anyone will get back to me, or if, since the people I need to ask are all faculty, they'll also just ignore me.

And still funny to me, in the process of getting to where I wanted to be, I've been so worn down for so long, I'm not sure I have anything left to drag across the finish line.

It's like those commercials for the Olympics this year when they showed that one guy who had an injury and two people ran down to the track to help him limp to the end. I don't really have anybody like that, but I'll try to ask.

And if that doesn't work, maybe I'll just lay on the ground and laugh.

The person who commented that nothing seems to have changed in 2-3 years is mostly right. Except for one thing: I'm wayyyyy more burned out than I ever thought a person could possibly be. I thought I was completely burned out already back then! Boy was I wrong. There are so many levels to down.

So I guess my goal is that between me and Advisor, if I get to drive, and Advisor is willing to keep me company but basically be a passenger, we might get farther than when I'm bound and gagged in the trunk?

Or maybe instead of me being the puppet, I can write the script and Advisor will read it like a newscaster?

Oh, if only it were going to be that easy.