Happy Year of the Dog!
Well, for me supposedly it will be a good year. So far it seems better than last year, ha ha ha. 48 hours and counting...
This morning coming in to work it dawned on me that I might actually get my grant funded and thus, all of this freaking out would be totally unnecessary. How stupid to waste all that energy!
So when I came in I found an email about this waiting for me and decided hey, I really haven't exhausted all the possibilities after all.
Had an interesting chat with someone at NIH about these new grants. He said yes, it might be a good thing. But it might cause a few people a nasty surprise in a couple of years when the first batch of wanna-bes start applying for the 'independent' phase of funding... and find that no one wants to hire them because they're too green. He was very much of the opinion that search committees always err on the side of experience, rather than accomplishment, which was interesting to me since I had never heard that before.
I always assumed a handful of Science, Cell and Nature papers trumped more years of experience. I have more data points for that, I think.
So let's consider the possibility that no one wants to admit the real reason postdocs are dragging out to 10 years is because that's how much experience they actually think we need.
More conspiracy theories???
And, of course, I would tend to disagree. But what do I know, since I only have about half that in postdoc years... It's hard to get across, of course, that I started working in a lab as a teenager. You'd think that more years of raw experience should count for something-?
If it's really experience they're looking for?
Something just doesn't add up here.
But, it turns out that I will hear about my grant sooner than I thought, so that is potentially really good news. Probably by the end of February I will have a vague idea what my chances are of getting funded. That will give me enough time to revise it and at least have it resubmitted over the summer. And today I'm in a good enough mood that I could actually consider working on a grant again.
In the meantime... yes, a career in the arts had occurred to me. Not sure how to get there from here. Suggestions??
I may have an excuse to take a few unfunded months off in the summer... a much-needed vacation. Might not be such a bad thing. I've just always been afraid that if I left, I might never come back. Seeing it written out, it seems like a really stupid thing to be afraid of, not coming back.
I think some part of me is craving a hard deadline, like running out of funding and having to say:
"Ok, Once and For All, that's IT. I tried, I tried really hard, I did my best. I got my Nobel Prize, as far as I'm concerned, I published that fucking paper all by myself and it will sit there on the public record forever, for all I know, at least I contributed SOMETHING. There is a record that I did something. I should just be happy with that and move on, no regrets. The END"
I'm a little tired of these neverending things, like grants and papers, where you never really FINISH, you just stop working on it because you have to stop sometime. And these stupid job applications hanging over my head, I've said this several times, but one, centralized repository and finding out ALL AT ONCE MIGHT NOT BE SUCH A BAD THING!
Aside: Had a weird thought this morning since I'm still holding a grudge against my former advisor. Do you think there are any regrets in Heaven? I'm thinking probably not, which is kind of a shame.