Why does the thought of quitting make me cry?
Today, I want to quit. I really really want to quit.
But for some reason, that makes me sad. I don't know why. I guess I feel defeated, or something, and I hate to think I'm quitting because I give up?
But I do give up. I am SO gave up. I don't have anything left to give. And I get nothing for it. So why should I keep doing it?
Do I want to quit for the wrong reasons?
Am I hating science because I'm not good enough at it? Or am I not doing as well as I could because I never liked science as much as the successful people do?
I'm definitely angry. It doesn't help that I've confirmed, in the last year, that contradictory data were deliberately left out of at least two papers whose conclusions I know to be false. And those papers are preventing me from publishing what I've been working on.
Yeah, that's fair. I'm angry that there's no justice in the world, but especially in science.
I pulled out some of my career change books that I re-read every few years (at the end of grad school, for example).
I guess this is the part where I go through and tick off transferable skills and think about what I want to do.
I've decided that what I hate most about science is the general lack of integrity. I'm watching grad students who will do anything to get their work published, even if they know their own data are crap. I'm watching PIs who will go to any lengths to hypocritically rationalize their unethical behavior.
Everyone just says it's "playing the game."
Ironically, so far this morning I got an email saying that something I ordered is coming in today or tomorrow; a collaborator sent me some reagents I needed; and a friend emailed me about a job opening in her department.
Once upon a time, those three things would have been enough to keep me going.
Meanwhile, my bench mates are crowded around a computer watching You Tube.
My PI is back to thinking my project is crap.
And I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get through the day. I can't decide if it would be better to cry, or try not to.
Oh fuck it. Maybe I'll cry first, and then get on with pretending like I don't mind being here. No sense in quitting until I have health insurance lined up.