Overall, I'd say this week was good for experiments, and good for my personal life, but I had a hard time maintaining a positive attitude about career stuff.
Today I did not finish everything I wanted to do, so I have to work part of the day tomorrow to finish today's work and a few hours on Sunday to set up experiments for next week.
Tonight I would like to try to decompress a little after running around all day, but I'm afraid that if I let my guard down at all I will have to admit that I burst into tears in the middle of the day (in the bathroom, at least not in front of anyone) and that I really don't want to be around people or talk to anyone at all.
I would like to do what I did in grad school and have a stiff drink for courage, it always made me feel tough to have a scotch neat, but the last couple of years I've found that most grownup alcohol (wine, beer) tends to make me feel worse, not better (because it's a depressant, duh).
I would like to make a pot of herbal tea and hide at home on my couch, but I promised myself I would try to go out and "have fun", or whatever the kids call it these days, because supposedly that will make me feel "better."
I'm wondering if it would be bad for me to also promise myself I will try for a few hours and if I am too tired/depressed it is okay for me to leave early? Or would that be equivalent to going with a negative attitude and dooming myself to have a bad time?
Lately I'm just fed up with trying to maintain my network, I feel like there are a lot of people I am supposed to hang out with at least a little, and some of them I find very hard to respect.
I used to say about some people that I liked them as people but not as scientists, but the longer I stay in science the harder I find it to talk to people whose work or career strategies I don't respect.
Maybe it's because they're always trying to give me unsolicited advice that they themselves have clearly not followed? Or anti-pep talks about how they assume I'll be happier in industry (not that they would know, they've never worked there?).
I guess I am in one of those moods right now, I don't want anyone to ask me how I am, and I don't want any advice unless it's from someone who has actually been there and done that and can say they found a unique strategy I haven't already considered or tried.
So maybe when they ask how I am, I will just say "I am fine"?
Except most everybody knows I'm not.
Labels: positive attitude