Dear _______,

Dear Friends Who Are Getting Married,

Please realize that if you send me your invitations less than 2 months in advance of the event,

with no other warning that you're planning this,

and it would require me flying long distances,

and you don't respond to my emails asking how badly you want me to come?

I'm probably not going to come or send you a gift.

It's just that simple. I don't think I'm being unreasonable about this. I understand that you're busy, but so am I.

Sincerely,

MsPhD

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Dear Energy Levels,

I have been battling with you lately. I was sick a couple of months ago and couldn't really get you back up to normal. Then I tried a few new things and I've been starting to feel a little better. But today I just want to stay home and do nothing.

I do not have a meter to measure you, so I have to guess what will help or not help. I don't know if I am tired and need to rest, or if I am just being lazy.

Please just understand that I need you to be up during the day, and off at night. If you could launch me out of bed in the morning, ready to take on the world, that would be great (but I'm not holding my breath).

That is all.

-MsPhD

----------------------------------

Dear PIs,

When I give you something to read and you don't get back to me, I have to wonder why you are so rude.

Would it fucking kill you to tell me you're

a) busy
b) going to be out of town?

Or if you've already read it and you think it's

a) awesome, doesn't need any further work
b) complete crap

?

Otherwise I can only assume that you are going to

a) steal my ideas for your grant
b) tell me later that you forgot and never looked at it and can I please print it out.

How long do I wait before I ask? I am tired of having to be a pest.

Sincerely,

MsPhD

----------------------------

Dear Laundry,

In the absence of Rosie the Robot, I am still wondering why I have so much of you so often. Why you do not pick yourselves up off the floor and sort yourselves into baskets like any other self-respecting dirty clothing should do?

You make me wonder if I shouldn't throw most of you out and get new clothes that are not so lazy. But that would require shopping, which I hate. I used to love it; now I hate it. Maybe it's because I have no money? And trying on clothes makes me feel fat.

Laundry, I know you need washing and my issues with you are mostly about other things, but I am tired of you staring at me from the pile that never seems to go away.

I love going out of town because it means I don't have to look at your dirty face for at least a few days.

So there. You will miss me and beg me to take care of you when I get back. But I'm not going to promise you're not going in the trash!

-MsPhD

-------------------------

Dear Holidays When Everything Is Closed,

You bore me. I do not celebrate you, and you make it so I can't do anything I would normally want to do.

I wish you had less of a stranglehold on our culture, so that we didn't all have to close up shop just to acknowledge your boring passing every year.

Seriously. Go away.

-MsPhD