Response to comments on last post

Thanks to Blogger's idiocy, I'm not even going to try to reply in the comment box.

Anon 3:03,

Actually, I started therapy hoping it would help me figure out how not to sabotage myself with my tendency to get too depressed to function. My therapist rejected that as a concept from the outset, but I actually kind of think she was wrong about that.

re: being poor, I know because my therapist sometimes gives examples from her own life, and she hasn't for this. I also know a bit about how her business works and I'm pretty sure she's doing just fine.

GP,

Ha. Yeah, my last session was like she was trying to mirror my feelings by repeating back to me basically exactly what I was saying, and I was saying, "YES, NOW TELL ME SOMETHING I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW."

I don't think I need someone to help me narrate.

Lou- I think she is trying to listen, but yeah I think that is part of the problem. And I did tell her that I don't feel completely heard.

Alicia- Great analogy. I do think that's part of the problem, the race-car mentality is just so not me.

But don't you worry that it's mostly because it's such a boys' club? Isn't that infuriating?

Anon 7:18- Great point about how even the good parts pass.

I have felt like you describe, "Oh yes I do have skills" but I think the problem for me is that I feel like every time I start working with new people they assume I am an idiot and consistently undervalue my work for a long time.

Every time it is an uphill battle to get them to look past my appearance as female, etc. and pay attention to what I am SAYING and DOING and just LOOK AT MY DATA.

Eventually they (usually) come around, but in the process I have been burning the candle at both ends. One end is doing the science, the other is holding the sword.

And sometimes- rarely, in recent years- I just get really pissed off and give them a piece of my mind. And that always backfires.

Anon 11:31- Good point. I think right now the devastation of the dream ending is still worse than the potential relief. Hence the hesitation.

bsci- Yes. But as a scientist I feel like it's hard to know until I try something, how much I will actually like it. And if I stay where I am, I can't really do the experiment, can I?

chall- I agree, it gets harder as we get older.

I am kind of taking the route of looking to apply for Those Jobs and
maybe do some interviews and see what seems exciting. Maybe I will receive one of those shiny over-the-head lightbulbs I've heard the universe sometimes sends?

Anon 8:42- You sound like my therapist. She is also of the opinion that even if it worked out somehow, I probably wouldn't be happy, because it won't be worth all of this misery.

thinkerbell- by coach you mean what exactly? I tried paying someone to advise me on job apps a few years ago, and it was an enormous waste of money. Would not go that route again.

also, postdocs are not eligible for career center services at my Uni. Great idea though. Maybe you could tell the administration for me? 'K, thx.

I have thought about other kinds of jobs, a lot. But I don't know enough about what the reality would be for me, with my current skills, etc. to try to get a job I would actually enjoy. Most things, it seems, involve a period of suffering before you get to do the good parts?

rocketscientista- hold onto that optimism. i wish i still had mine.

psycgirl- I did tell her, a couple of sessions ago.

Anon 9:34- It's funny you should say that, since it's my instinct too that it's better to decide and move on.

My therapist has been trying to encourage me to take more time deciding, which I think is helpful in a way but also makes it harder- sometimes it's just a prolonged period of second-guessing back and forth, right? She likes to say that it's important not to just be "reactive" and try to jump on the first safe thing that comes along, which she is sort of accusing me of having done in the past (as if I didn't solicit advice and do my homework before making the choices I've made). I'm not really sure if I agree that choosing from what's available to you in a short time frame, armed with as much information as you can gather, should be labeled as "reactive".

It doesn't really make sense to me since part of my problem is that I am already blaming myself enough when I am depressed- that is essentially the definition. how did I get myself into this mess. But the truth is, it doesn't make me feel better to have her go back and label my choices as bad decisions- if anything it makes me feel even less confident that I can make good ones now, no matter how long I deliberate.

Interesting point about system vs. daily tasks. As many others have said, a big aspect is that it's in large part my current toxic environment that is the problem. I have definitely been in situations where the daily tasks were a joy, but not here, not for a while. When even the daily tasks are an uphill battle, and you have no control over that, that's when I really want to get out.

I have always hated the system.