Relaxing is hard
I'm feeling really anxious today, I'm not sure why. I think it has to do with not being able to get much work done. I skipped coffee this morning since I think caffeine tends to make me more anxious, but now I'm wondering if I have that backwards?
So I'm off to yoga tonight, and I think part of the problem is knowing I have to be there at a certain time. When I get stressed out, having commitments makes it worse. Anyway this is exactly the wrong mood to be in for a pretty intense yoga class, although I'm sure I'll be too tired afterwards to care about anything but the necessities: eating, showering, and sleeping.
I think the idea that relaxing makes it easier to go back to work is a misconception. I think some of us are wound so tight all of the time, and we have to be wound up to keep getting out of bed every day. Relaxing lets in that creeping sensation that maybe what we do doesn't really matter, since after all the world isn't coming to an end just because we took a couple of days off. But then we're faced with that existential question: if it doesn't matter, why bother at all? Therein lies the ultimate laziness. Unfortunately by the time I reach that stage, I have to go back to work. And then I resent the combination of stress and doubt about whether anybody notices that I'm working hard or whether, perhaps, I'm not really working hard enough.