Riding the wave of chaos.
Today I read a stack of papers (most of them interesting) and some grocery shopping.
That probably doesn't sound very chaotic, but I promise you, the grocery store was really crowded.
Tonight I am going to a party, which I'm sure will be chaotic.
I am going to cook dinner shortly (will take an hour to incubate on stove) and then do some more reading before I leave.
We tried to watch the pilot of The L word on DVD from Netflix... ugh. Too much like a gay, humorless version Desperate Housewives, with no substantial writing or characters we could much care about. Maybe it's just the wrong time in my life, but the straight character is too young and the dysfunctional couple is too baby-aholic.
Not particularly looking forward to the party, but hopefully it will be good for me to get out and be social.
I hate winter because it is so cold. Makes me want to do as little as possible, under as many blankets and sweaters as possible.
And all the other stuff I want to blog about, I can't.
Suffice it to say that things are changing at work, and I think it will consist mostly of continually escalating chaos.
I am trying to be the calm little center of peace while it all swirls around me, but some days it's tough to put up walls and say emphatically,
THIS IS MY PERSONAL SPACE!
or, my personal favorite:
NOT MY PROBLEM, FUCK OFF!
And, I'm feeling continuing pressure to do things I'm not interested in doing, on a schedule I hate, which is screwing up my schedule not just at work but also at home. So it's putting pressure on my personal life, which is not helping anything.
Lots of yelling at home = using up energy and patience I don't have because of work, or for work. It's a vicious cycle.
We don't mean to be stressed out at each other, we just are.
I would so very much like to get out of this cycle, but right now I don't know what's going to happen so I'm just kind of clinging onto the rollercoaster by my fingernails. I guess I will know soon enough if I'll be screaming with excitement (not likely) or if it's going to make me throw up (probably) or if I'll just fall out of my seat and crack my head open on the way down (always a possibility).
Had an interesting chat with a friend last week about something that I now realize is commonly referred to as 'existential anxiety.'
She was saying that she can't picture her life in the future, so she has this irrational fear that what she's seeing is a prophesy of her death happening sometime soon. She realizes this is silly, but I knew what she meant. I told her I never pictured myself doing what I'm doing now, and I still can't picture where I'll be next year.
I have another friend who said this to me, how the thing that bothers him most about being 30ish and in academia is that lack of knowing where he'll be next year, much less 5 years from now.
What I find most astounding is that most scientists don't seem to realize that this constant feeling of free-floating anxiety is actually bad for creativity and analytical thought (or so is my impression).
Wouldn't fixing the system improve all our productivity and cure, you know, lots of human diseases a whole lot faster?