My Life In Science.

So among all the reading I've been doing, are hints of things that I always suspected must be true.

I wanted to work on these things ten years ago, but my thesis advisor thought I was nuts (okay, so what's your point?).

Now it seems like these things are bubbling up to the surface where more people are thinking about them.

And I'm jealous. There are labs out there working on things I have always wanted to do, but never had the resources (read: money, equipment, technicians) to do on my own.

And I think I was hoping these things were far enough out on the fringe that they'd still be undone when I got to the point where I had the resources to tackle them.

And I'm kind of sad. I want to be in there doing this stuff, and I can't: not where I am right now, and maybe not ever, or maybe they'll just be done already by the time I get out of my current soul-sucking situation.

I realized my existential angst (see last post) is mostly about My Life In Science. I don't really worry about not being able to picture my life per se. I'm pretty convinced I could work something out if all scientific inquiry was suddenly vaporized from the planet.

But I really do fear for the What if this is it, and I (figuratively speaking) die when my money runs out?

When I first started blogging, reading GrrrlScientist during her early blogging days really put this fear into me. I didn't know (here we go with the naivete and the 'would I do it all over again' cluelessness) there were people out there who love science so much and were literally living on pennies and donations from friends, just trying to figure out how to Stay In The Game.

Much as I talk about wanting to leave, I'd still rather leave on my own two legs than because somebody or something kneecapped me.

It's a hard thing to admit, but like I said, I haven't reached my endpoint yet. I just hope I realize where it is when I see the shotgun pointed at my patellas.