Fake it 'til you make it.
Well, ironically enough, this week everyone is excited about my science except me
I'm trying hard to remain objective. I'm worried that if I enjoy getting positive feedback too much, I'll mistake that for enjoying what I'm actually doing.
Basically, I can't decide.
I guess I'm feeling pulled in too many directions.
Obviously I get a lot of negative feedback on a regular basis, and I have to try not to be suspicious when I get positive feedback of any kind.
Case in point: today while I was working on something else, my computer decided to develop a strange new twitch. No matter what program I was using, it kept sending me back to the one version of my CV that I made to submit for industry positions.
Shut up, computer, you're not the boss of me!
So I restarted it. Problem solved. If the universe was trying to send me a message, I say La la la! I can't hear you!
But when I'm getting a lot of positive feedback after a lot of suffering to get to this point, part of me can't help noticing that it feels a little bit hollow.
So is it just me being hollow? Or is it really kind of like putting a ribbon around an amputated limb?
Like, "Congratulations, you're still alive!" ?
And then I saw a quote today about how lots of people get what they want in life, but only the wisest know how to enjoy it.
Meanwhile, I catch myself enjoying things I don't want to admit I actually like doing, because I don't completely adore them. Tedious things that I have to do repeatedly, but in small doses, they are actually kind of fun.
This is one of the hardest things, to me, about science. At least in my field, one of the perks is getting to do lots of different things. It's one of the main reasons I wanted to do science: never being bored.
One of the worst parts, though, is that you often have to do one thing repeatedly until you're thoroughly sick of it, before you can move on to something else.
That kind of defeats the perk, you know?
So it's kind of a career existential angst that I keep returning to.
Some little part of me is still insanely jealous of the few people I know who are starting their own labs this year. Part of me is itching to start applying for faculty positions.
The other part was cruising through the Chronicle job forums yesterday, and um, more than one place I was interested in has a state-wide hiring freeze.
That is also the part that watched CNN this morning, with the market numbers going up and down, up and down, up and down.
I really don't want to be one of those people who keeps taking postdoc positions, even temporary ones, just because they can't find a better job. I don't know how people live like that. I've had enough uncertainty already, thank you very much.
So the good news is, positive feedback and money fears aside, I am planning to make this one of my work-less weekends.
I don't know if it can be entirely work-free, and I can't take a vacation or anything, I still have lots of chores to do that I haven't done in the last week or two. But right now I'm just living for that Saturday-morning-sleeping-in feeling.
Only about 15 hours to go. Might try to watch a movie or something tonight. Gratuitous violence, here I come!