Feeling old and overeducated

Every once in a while, I make an attempt to hang out with non-scientist friends.

Even when these people are my age, sometimes it just makes me feel really old. Like having gone to grad school and doing a long postdoc gave me the equivalent of the world-weary, veteran, thousand-yard stare.

I feel like these people are making the most banal observations, things I figured out years ago. Things I read in books when I was in elementary school. Of course, they also don't know how to listen, so they dominate the conversation and I can't get a word in edgewise to change the subject from their endless monologues.

I do have non-scientist friends who are not like this. Who are older, and wiser, or maybe they were just born with enough wisdom to know not to do science in the first place. We talk about life. We have real conversations.

And then sometimes I hang out with friends who are actually younger AND not scientists. Some of them are really entertaining. But there are some people, I'm not sure why I ever hang out with them at all. Talking to them just kinda makes me want to shoot myself in the head.

In the worst case, I feel like I'm babysitting kids who won't listen to a word I say. I keep wanting to yell, "It's time to go to sleep! Stop jumping on the bed!"

Like that one time I babysat for a couple of incredibly spoiled brats and actually let them jump in the beds until I saw their parents' car drive up. Just because I knew it would tire the kids out enough that they would actually submit to laying down and closing their eyes. I spent the whole evening with one eye on the kids, and one eye out the window, waiting for it to end.

It was bad enough feeling un-heard and disrespected at work, but at least there everybody knew I was a senior postdoc, and they knew what that meant. I don't think anybody ever treated me like I hadn't worked hard, even if they might have claimed I still needed to pay more dues, or that I didn't know what I was talking about.

Even if they never came back later to admit I was right, or apologize for ignoring me. I figured eventually they would learn the hard way, even if I couldn't make them see what I had already seen.

Out in The Real World, I'm judged entirely on my appearance, which is young and female. And people tend to talk to me based on that alone, without having ever asked me what I do.

They just assume they are smarter or more educated or more well-read than I am. But usually they aren't.

So, yes, I got carded again last night. I glared at the bartender when he asked, but I knew it was just his job and at least he was nice enough.

And I'm trying to cultivate a sense of humor about all of it.

The last few people I met who did ask what i do, I said I was trained as a scientist and got my PhD X # of years ago, they said, "Oh really?" and did a tiny double-take, like they seriously had no idea what to say to that. Like they thought I was fucking with them just to see what they would do.

My favorite comment of the week from someone who clearly wasn't sure whether to believe me not: "Well you seem like a pretty smart person."

This amused me because of the way he said it, like he was actually thinking I'm not sure if you're lying or not, but you seem like a pretty good actress and I wouldn't know a real scientist from a liar anyway...?

I also had a moment of schadenfraude this week when I spoke to a friend who works in Big Pharma. For the last three years or so, I told her I was having problems with my advisor, how frustrating it was to have a sexist boss who wouldn't listen to me, took credit for my work, etc. And she was always sanctimoniously bragging about how she loved her job and was so glad not to have those kinds of problems. And I always thought Wow, she is either way smarter than me about picking places to work, or just really lucky.

Well, let's just say her luck has run out. This week we talked about how her boss does nothing, takes credit for her work, and then privately thanks her later "LIke I'm his fucking secretary!"

And because the new season starts tomorrow, I have to add the obligatory reference. Yes, it sounded like something out of Mad Men.

I'm sorry to hear that she's having a Peggy Olson problem, but part of me kinda wanted to say, "See? Now you know."

Except I'm not really sure if she gets it, yet. That it's not just this guy and it's not just happening to her.

It's not really until you realize that it's rampant, that everyone everywhere will at some point experience it. Only then will you really see what's going on and start looking at it with one eye out the window.

Maybe in a few more years of this Big Pharma, she'll have the equivalent of the thousand-yard stare. In the meantime, at least she's capable of carrying on an intelligent two-way conversation. And she knows I've paid more than my fair share of dues.

Fortune Cookie:meditation on vague messages

From a couple nights ago at dinner:

Good opportunities: Make up your mind to grasp the next.

Hard to know when the next good opportunity will come along. But let's break it down (because that's what we do here).

1. Define "opportunity"

Presumably this refers to the one kind I really care about: a job

2. Define "good"

Still trying to figure out if I'm capable of recognizing "good" when it comes along? My therapist said that my judgment is dysfunctional because I'm depressed.

Nothing like being told your judgment is dysfunctional to make you feel even more helpless and hopeless!

3. "Make up your mind"

This makes me laugh. One of the worst things lately has been feeling indecisive. I have been chalking this up to depression, thanks to my therapist telling me it's a symptom. However, my therapist also noted, as I did, that I seemed to get more depressed as we went along. This is probably because she was telling me it was all my fault and that I'm defective, but that I shouldn't blame myself. What?? It made no sense. So I stopped therapy.

4. "to grasp"

As in, to not let slip by. This also makes me laugh. On the one hand, my therapist said one of the reasons I've gotten into these awful situations (not my fault, but yes, my fault) is because I just grabbed what seemed like the only option at the time. On the other hand, when you "pause", as my therapist told me to do, you miss your chance(s). As they like to say, not choosing is also a choice. I have to say though, when you're exhausted all the time, it doesn't feel like a choice. It feels like a disability.

5. "the next"

This is how I have always been taught to think.

The next time, I'll do this differently. The next chance I get, I'll say something about this. The next time this happens, I'll know better.

The next. The next. The next.

Never the now. Never seize this moment, this is it, make the best of it.

More like you'll probably fuck this up, but there's always next time when you might know better.

Come to think of it, this is the perfect attitude to have in research. A certain humility coupled with persistence, right? It reminds me of a clip I saw advertising the DVD edition of that cop/firefighter show called Third Watch. The guy is telling his partner something like "What makes you great at your job makes you terrible at being a person."

One of the things I hate about fortune cookies is their vague time limit. I got one a few years back that said:

The current year will bring you great happiness.

At the time, I read it as meaning that year would be a great year. And it was wrong about that. And yet, technically it could still be true, it was just my interpretation that was wrong. Stupid vague fortune sat in my desk reminding me to try to be optimistic. All year. But you could also take it to mean that something I was doing then will eventually pay off.

Are we there yet?

I think fortunes should have an expiration date, even if the cookies could ostensibly outlive us all. It might be less confusing, anyway.

Too tired to post.

Got some suggestions for things to write about, and have some ideas, just no energy.

And I have to go to lab today, too.

Worked a long day yesterday, of course, also. It is catching up with me, since I worked last weekend, too.

I'll write more when I'm in the mood to concentrate on commenting articulately on other people's posts about the oversupply of PhDs, etc.

Mostly I think we should revisit the idea of what a PhD should be, and how not all PhDs are equivalent.

But I'm not going to do that right now. Right now I have to get off the couch, take a shower, eat lunch, and try not to let the football on the tv lull me into a nostalgic nap, in honor of college or high school when I had time to do that sort of thing on a Sunday afternoon. Never could stay awake with football on the tv. Thanks, dad.

Hellish week almost over.

Tired. Verrry tired. Lots of data to analyze, no space on my hard drive, PI is nagging me, and I couldn't sleep last night and didn't get enough sleep the night before, either.

Something about not having enough time to wind down after working late, or drinking a half-caf o'lait at 4:30 pm is too late in the day... or maybe just stress.

But for the second night in a row, I had a hard-core, grad-school-style anxiety attack last night and spent most of it on the couch watching some old Meryl Streep movie on We. Yeesh.

Better now, crossed that line to "too tired to care right now", where it is somewhat more peaceful.

Trying not to be too short-tempered, despite all that. It's taking a major act of zen serenity right now. Deep. Breathing.

So even though I will probably have to work late again tonight, which will probably necessitate a return to coffee (I skipped it this morning, trying to calm my rattled nerves), and I will most definitely have to work most of the long weekend, I am trying to look on the bright side:

-Got data.

-Making progress.

-Not homeless yet (have to drive past a particular homeless guy each morning, who always gives me a very knowing look like he knows that I know I should be glad I have a job and a place to live, at least for now).

-Not unemployed yet (unemployed friend of mine, meanwhile, is getting increasingly anxious about her lack of options, and I'm trying hard not to worry about her too much)

-PI is trying to help with project.

-Friends and strangers are helping with reagents, equipment etc. on short notice.

-I have learned, over the years in science, how to not let stress rule my life completely. That's really a Major Victory.

-Can make a point to go to yoga on Sunday and hopefully make an appearance at 1 or 2 friends' labor day get-togethers.

-It might rain this weekend, which is bad for get-togethers outdoors, but perfect when your plants need it and you know you have to work indoors anyway!

-Can sleep in tomorrow. Hale-fuckin-lujah.

Hooray for Friday.

Tidbits of ranting and advice.

Rant for you: Why do reagents that worked when they were home made suck for so much more money when they go commercial? And why do we put up with it? Is the quality of science going generally downhill, or is it just my impression that commercialization is bad?

Advice for me: Got some good advice from a friend about how to transition from postdoc to Job Candidate Extraordinaire. She said Be One of Them.

Then she said this, and I should probably get it tattooed on my arm:

Don't solicit feedback. That only yields criticism. Solicit praise!

In other words, once you've passed the point of needing advice, make a point to advertise that you're not asking for people older and wiser than you to pat you on the head.

Make a point of tooting your own horn!

Rant for me: Why am I ALWAYS tired? And why don't I have one of those mutations that lets me get by on only 2 hours of sleep a night? I have a friend like this, and she is perfectly normal aside from all the hobbies she took up to fill those extra 6 hours in the middle of the night when the rest of the world is out cold.

So unfair! I would get so much more done if I didn't have to sleep!

This morning I deliberately slept an extra half-hour and even that felt like a huge improvement. I can only imagine how much better off I would be with another full hour of glorious sleep!

Advice for you: Don't freak out about committee meetings. It's that season at my university, all the grad students are convening their thesis committees for the first time, or passing their oral exams, or whatever. The girls are all freaking out, and all are passing with flying colors. It's funny because they vastly overestimate how much data they are expected to have at this point in their careers (none!). They don't listen to me though.

The only guy I know who did this recently did not freak out, and ended up having to re-take his exam. I'm not convinced that freaking out is required to do a good job, just a little bit of preparation. He did not listen to me about preparing.

Here's a piece of advice, grad students: listen to your postdoc friends! We've been there! We know how much freaking out is involved, and how much is actually required (very little!)

Momentums lost.

Not so long ago, I wrote briefly that I had made some progress with my advisor. I knew it was a fragile momentum, but I thought it was at least a step in the right direction.

But as often happens with these things, before I could gain sufficient momentum in that way, we hit a roadblock and the momentum got lost.

It's frustrating because the roadblock is also a wake-up call for my advisor.

In a way, this was exactly what I needed: an outside Voice of Reason to say

"Hey, MsPhD wanted to do THIS and you told her to do THAT and she did because you're the PI, but you know what?

She should have followed her own instincts, and done THIS instead.

You should have listened to her."



[Those of you who have been reading this blog know that the subtext is

Since PI accused her of ignoring all PI's suggestions, MsPhD had to do THAT to show she can go with the flow (or whatever)]




The trouble now is, this wake-up call has already had a variety of undesirable consequences.

(1) PI feels doubtful.

1a. PI is self-doubtful (because THAT was not as good as THIS would have been)
1b. PI feels guilty about feeling doubtful.
1c. PI feels doubtful of MsPhD (even if that might be unfair, PI is human and that is how PI feels, and it shows)

(2) MsPhD is doubtful too.

2a. MsPhD is questioning her abilities and desire to keep on this path
2b. MsPhD is questioning whether she really has sufficient spine to stand up to PI as much as necessary
2c. MsPhD is doubtful of PI for pushing THAT when it wasn't the right thing
2d. MsPhD is also pissed off because she KNEW it wasn't the right thing but felt like she had to do it anyway, for the reason mentioned above (and previously on this blog*).
2e. MsPhD is doubtful that she can figure out how to get past this roadblock, and that it won't happen again, and that if it does it won't eventually push PI to conclude that MsPhD is not worth it.




*[The damned-if-you-do-or-don't reason, which has all along seemed like something of a sexist problem to begin with. The male postdocs who ignore everyone's suggestions somehow still manage to get jobs. A guy can be a Troubled Child and get away with it. They get to be Mavericks. When women do it, we're difficult, we're Bitch.

Yes, I am Bitch. But lately I am just Tired. It takes a lot of energy and confidence to be Bitch. Right now I am 'haggard', as someone said in a comment. I love that word. Somehow I always pictured haggard as a tall, skinny guy with stubble. See? I'm sexist! Can I be haggard too?]



So because of what should have been only a momentary loss of momentum, although we have a plan for what to do next, PI's current response, despite agreeing to this plan, is to stall everything.

In other words, PI has chosen to procrastinate.

Procrastinating is the WORST possible thing we could be doing right now.

But what can I do. PI is out of town again.

In the meantime I am trying to think.

Lately I have felt like I can't. Think.

The last couple of weeks I've been trying hard to clear my head enough to figure out what I want to do next. It hasn't been working. I make seemingly endless, nested lists of things I want to do... but lately there are too many things, and I can't prioritize them by the main criterion of Things I CAN and absolutely SHOULD do HERE AND NOW.

My favorite organization tool, Omnifocus, isn't helping, because the whole point of scheduling things is that you have to know how long things are going to take, and be able to break them down into predictable units of time. So it's kind of a joke for research anyway, but it can be helpful...

I guess I need to spend some time figuring out how many units and how long each one would take in the perfect world (multiplying by factors of 3-10x for conversion to the research world)...

At one point I was thinking of things I should do to get preliminary data for grant application(s). Then I was thinking maybe I should focus on things I can do while PI is paying for it (as most of the other postdocs who got jobs did before they left). Maybe some of those things are the same?

Maybe instead of making lists, I should be making Venn diagrams?

The wake-up call just reinforced once again how important it is for me to have my own agenda and push it hard, even if it means risking pissing off PI because really, what's the worst that could happen? I need to buy something to do the experiments I decide on, and PI says no? Not that that's ever stopped me, I can always go do it in someone else's lab...

Meanwhile, I've tried soliciting feedback from numerous people on the work I've done so far, and all the questions everyone would like to see answered. To try to figure out what to do first.

But beware this approach. Although it has helped in the past, this time it has not helped. The suggestions I've gotten are range from boring to bizarre to bewildering.

Most people, I've realized, only suggest what they know best, which tends to be whatever model organism or techniques they use in their own research.

I guess because I have so far been somewhat fearless about trying new things, people seem to assume they can suggest anything and I will try it. Which might be true, but, um, this is really not the kind of suggestion I'm looking for right now.

So the suggestions I've gotten range from testing my models in 3 different organisms (none of which I have worked with before, and all of which have their own set of methods and problems I only know about from a distance) .... to learning really cutting-edge new techniques, some of which can't be done at my university or even in my town ... to backtracking to methods I've used in the past but with a new twist ... to doing experiments completely in vitro with only purified components.

And it's not clear that any of these will work faster, be easier, or more informative than any of the others.

Or that any of these would be guaranteed crowd pleasers (where crowd = search committee and/or paper referees and/or study section).

So you can see how I'm feeling like gee, maybe input is not what I needed after all?

Maybe what I need is some time to decide for myself what I think is most interesting, and then do that.

Trouble is, I don't have a lot of time. Time is the one thing I do not have.

Here we are, it's almost July, and despite my gently reminding PI (which doesn't seem to be helping since guilt seems to feed the procrastination response)... for me to apply for jobs this year, we are already several months behind. Maybe already too far behind.

So I guess that's what I should be doing.

To do:

1. Build Time Machine.
2. Make all new mistakes this time around.

It's Saturday, I'm in lab, and...

I'm starving,

tired,

not sure if my experiment worked.

Not sure how to tell, since it definitely didn't work like it was supposed to.

Not sure what to do about it.

Can't do anything about it for at least a couple weeks, then it takes another month or so to repeat.

Goody.

And I have a long list of things to do after this, starting with at least one thing that is absolutely critical and has to get done ASAP.

Ahhh, research is the life for me.

Re-search.

My experiment didn't work today.

And I'm feeling kind of pathetic about it. Which is stupid, I know, but I guess I was looking forward to getting data, and instead I got to go back to the drawing board.

Hello, drawing board. We know each other well. We spend quality time together a lot.

I know I should go and set things up to try it again, but I just don't feel like it right now.

I'm thinking I'll do it tomorrow, even though it means working on the weekend more than I would like.

I'm thinking I'll go home and try to get psyched up to try this again, and just chalk it up to that's why it's called research.

The worst part is, I think I know why it didn't work, and if I had been super anal about checking my notes from previous experiments, I might have known to tweak this one variable ahead of time, instead of having to re-learn that I kind of already knew that I probably needed to do that.

Argh.

I mean, it's fine, it's not that big of a deal. Nobody died, and that is why I went for the PhD instead of the MD.

I just wish I were more gung-ho, like I used to be when I was a grad student. When it was all about conquests and getting the answer.

Too bad there's no easy way to get that Yee ha cowabunga! spirit back. Once it's gone, you're officially getting old. I am so ready not to be the person actually doing the pipetting anymore.

Unmotivated and unfocused.

I'm not usually in this mood, where I just don't want to do any work at all. But here I am, uninspired to even try. Maybe I'm just tired or hungry, or both... hopefully this won't last all afternoon, because if there's one thing I don't want, it's to feel guilty about not getting anything done today.

Maybe I should focus on the guilt and self-loathing for being lazy.

Was talking to a friend last night about her high-paying job, which she nonetheless finds unsatisfying most of the time. She said she realizes she shouldn't be whining about it, there are a lot of worse jobs out there.

So today I was thinking about jobs I would not want to do. They include:

garbage collector
mail delivery person
the person who washes hair at a salon
dishwasher at a restaurant
line cook at a fast food joint
gynecologist/obstetrician
tuba player
Victoria's secret model
sports photographer
zookeeper
preschool teacher
personal shopper
accountant



Jobs I wouldn't mind include:

bus or taxi driver
chef
hairdresser
coffee shop owner
librarian
clergy
freelance writer
circus performer
psychologist


What about you? Whatever is wrong with my brain today, it's making me run out of steam. What are some more jobs I'm forgetting to consider?

Meet Japanese Women

This, from a Google Ad on the sidebar of my last post.

Oh Google Ads, What Are You DOING???

Sigh. I am too tired to write now. Or do much of anything else. Must use my last waking breath to brush teeth, wash face, change into pj's...

And tomorrow I get to do it all again...

FYI, I looove the surreal poetry of the random keyword labels for posts-