Sick with dread
So yesterday and today I am feeling ill. I'm pretty sure it's from stress, fear that this experiment didn't work, compounded this morning by what I perceived as an absence of a friendly greeting from my advisor, prompting all kinds of paranoia that I think is mostly post-traumatic stress leftover from my previous two advisors. And it's Monday, so I'm also feeling guilty about not really wanting to run all the samples I collected over the weekend, even though I have no way of knowing whether the experiments worked until I do, and no way to decide what to set up next until that happens, so it will delay everything this week if I don't get off my butt and start doing it.
But I feel ill and anxious, so I am trying to remind myself to breathe, etc. and think good thoughts. Nevermind constantly having to push bad thoughts about the job search out of my mind. On the way in this morning I was thinking I should do more networking today, and maybe that would make me feel better, or something.
This weekend we had lunch with an old friend of my boyfriend's, and by old I mean he's older than our parents. This guy is my worst nightmare- the old fart of science. He thinks he knows everything, it's his way or the highway, everyone is an idiot or a feminist (bad) or a foreigner (also bad). My boyfriend knows him from work, and he finds all of this guy's offensiveness amusing, probably because none of it is ever directed at him or any minority groups he belongs to. And he figures he's harmless... but I'm not so sure. Who knows what kind of crap this guy perpetrated on his students and trainees over the years??? Based on the stuff he says, it's hard not to fear the worst. I find it especially frightening that this guy is still teaching classes: these poor people sign up and pay money, and probably have no idea what they've gotten themselves into.
Anyway I guess part of my panic at the moment stems from worrying that I might- god forbid- meet more people like this guy, and worse than that, have to work with one someday. This guy, and guys like him, are a definite dealbreaker for me when it comes to the workplace. I think having to face up to the fact that people like this actually exist is probably good, it keeps me from being too naive. But I have to wonder how many of them there are out there?